To all of those who made Ireland
a blast, thanks..whether you screamed in my hallway, yaked in my living room, or
enjoyed the blarney stone a little too much…Ireland was amazing…I hope you
enjoyed reading…to those who are awesome, read on…
Dan the Man – internet blumpkins won’t be the same
Jay – always cover your passport
Aaron -MEK
Mare-Bear – Drunchy theif…
Laura – scissors don’t work for bangs
Liz – when you see a rock, resist the urge
Kelsie – not an EY, an IE, I am forever in debt (minus a sandwich)
What
the heck…my last day in Ireland…this free trip went fast…Jimmy Devere, you are
the man, thanks a lot. But, in fashion,
we woke up at 10:30 and were on the streets by noon. As non Ireland natives, we were unaware that
August 2nd is a national bank holiday and everything is closed. This is rather upsetting as we were hoping to
see the sights of Dublin today…but everything is closed…damn. Whatever, we strolled through Trinity
College. Book of Kels, I’ll Google image
you, I’m over it. A park…summed up in
one word…mek (only Aaron understands this one, so read on). Next stop was my hood…St. Stephen (well I’m
not a saint yet, but it’s cool, I will be soon). My street was shi*ty, dead grass and peeling
paint. And my church is Anglican…no
cross on the top…lame-o. I made a few
calls, they should be fixing it soon.
Anyways,
off to my Green…this park was way cooler…but let’s be real, it was a park…pretty
plants, but not good for more than sitting or feeding a duck. The natural history museum looks cool, but o
wait, what’s up bank holiday…closed.
Grafton
street was pretty cool…a $14 McDonalds lunch was not entertaining though. The marionette guy was cool, but this was
clearly reject street performer central.
Dad and Mr. Abbott, we next went to St. Kevin’s cathedral. On the map, it shows a church…in real life,
it is four walls covered in ivy, definitely not a church for the last 200 years…sorry
dads. St. Kevin’s street was pretty
ghetto too, sorry bout that.
St.
Patrick had his sh*t on lock though, his street and church were nice…but it
cost 4.50 euro to get in…so Kevins…you got St. Patty beat there. The church was cool…a nice big church, very intricate
designs, lost of buried people and stuff…said a prayer and moved on.
4
Courts…closed…bank holiday…Dublin bikes…didn’t take credit card or cash…and
Phoenix park was 2 miles away. Whatever,
we walked, laid in the grass, looked at a deer, and bounced. We saw Gabe again, figured out that his bar
last night was even farther…sorry man, that was like 2 miles away.
But
tonight, we got in the restaurant that was too packed last night…so much meat
on the burger, says Aaron. We walked
back to the hostel to meet Dan the Man…ICE…boom. We then went out to Temple bar…and after 2
drinks and meeting the Swiss dudes, plus one last kebab, Ireland was to be put
to rest.
Ireland,
thanks for the good time…James P…thanks for a free trip…Fr. Cahalan and company…thanks
for the hook up…kid in the other bunk…thanks for snoring.
It’s
August already? What the funk? Well anyways, July, you were great, not quite
sure where you went, but its August now, shit.
We got up from bed at the usual 10am and rolled our bags downstairs…now
our load was much lighter as the real Bags shoved off early. But this time, we
took the city bus into town. We get to
the hostel around 11 and check our bags…question…you have a 4-story hostel with
a 1,000sq. ft. common area, but your luggage room is the size of the maids
closet…did it not occur to you that although we are at a hostel, we may have a
bag with us that needs storage…whatever.
Once checked in, we find a note at the front desk from Gabe…Doll Head
Lovin says Gabe, if you don’t know the story, don’t ask, as all of us who do
know the story wish we never heard it in the first place…not even Doug asked
questions about this one.
At
noon we drug our asses out for an Irish breakfast…if you will notice, breakfast
at noon…its not a crime to my knowledge, get over it. After a cornucopia of breakfast items, we
summoned our unwavering strength to make a long, arduous journey to the real
Mecca…sorry Muslims, you have been going to the wrong place for thousands of
years…we are off to the Guinness Factory.
After a good mile walk, we took a quick break at the main entrance, died
quickly, and went to heaven/the factory.
Eleven
euros, holy shit, that’s a cheap ticket to Mecca…I feel like the Muslims pay
way more to get to their place…see, this one is better. (If you shook your head
at that comment, remember that you chose to come to this blog and nobody is
preventing you from the little x in the top right corner…if you just shook your
head again, suck one, and go press the x, you are no longer welcome)
Now
that we only have our most faithful, dedicated readers with us, I can
continue. Between a history of Guinness
that Damien could even make exciting, and a tour through the 200 foot pint
glass shaped museum, I am really glad all of these old dudes really love beer. I mean, Guinness is fabulous, but I don’t
think I would ever start a beer company…so Arthur G., you are a man and a
scholar…a beer in your name! We
continued the tour by learning how to pour the perfect pint…push tap away from
you, 45 degree angle, fill to the harp…settle…final pour with tap towards
you…DO NOT SPILL…sit for 119.5 seconds…boom, perfect pint. With a certificate to prove it, we headed to
the Gravity Bar, got a cool look of the entire city (of Dublin obviously), then
booked it through the gift shot and out the door. Best pint ever (yes, I drank the pint I
poured, sorry, I thought that was obvious).
Can’t forget the 1-wide 3-high, it can be done.
The
rain was pouring down, the Gaelic football match was outside…we skipped on that
one. Back to the hostel…looking for Doll
Head Gabe. Found him, chatted, he was
low on rations, had a few euros, buy some bread and tuna right? Nope, beer…MY MAN. Gabe headed out to hear some traditional
music, Aaron finished his paper, Jay and I sat around and did frat things. We finally shoved off, and for the life of
us, could not find Gabe…sorry man, but where the fu*k is O’Shea’s. Some lady told us its an old man bar…we figured
we had the wrong bar, then we remembered we were looking for Gabe, a wise man
in the body of a 25 year old, of course he is here. In any case, sorry Gabe, couldn’t find you.
Anyway,
shitty burger place, one beer, and a cover band later, we were beat. Usually there is a good night-time story, but
if you recall, we are usually drunk for those…this time, sober…no story…sorry
folks.
What’s
up bed by 12:30…good thing I love people snoring.
I
will be honest here, today fu*king sucked...it wasn’t a bad day, doesn’t matter
that I only slept 2 hours…but today is the day we all leave. I was even woken up by screaming girls around
8:30am…and wasn’t mad in the slightest (apparently Ali was though, karma my
friend, karma). But anyways, today, sad,
but the show must go on. The train is at
noon thirty; it’s around 10, cab at 11:30.
Wake up Aaron….Aaron asks, “How did I go to sleep without my underwear
but still wearing pants?” Aaron, that’s
something you need to figure out on your own…sounds like a very personal issue…sounds
like some floories were involved (really, if you don’t get The Hangover
reference, you suck so much). Aaron,
with all sincerity, you were still drunk at 10am this morning…this is how I
know you are a champion.
With
a heartfelt goodbye to everyone, we crammed into a cab…literally. (Side note, everyone I met at UCC turned out
to be awesome…except a select few, you know who you are) Back to business,
Aaron sat in the front seat pinned between the seat and the dash with a giant
suitcase. The backseat had three
backpacks and three suitcases, with 3 more in the trunk. You ask yourself…why are there so many
bags…the wolf pack travels light…hold up, we forgot about Bags. Jay…bag + backpack (1 bag total). Stephen…bag + backpack (2 bags total). Aaron…2 bags + backpack (4 bags total). Bags (Ashley)…16 bags (20 bags total). This is why our tiny ass cab was so
crammed…but Bags hooked us up with a hotel room, clutch move, much appreciated.
Its
noon thirty and we board the train…Aaron has consumed absolutely nothing today;
Jay goes for the Triple Threat sandwich…so much meat he says. As you may notice, the wolf pack is
struggling a bit. With all his might, he
kept his composure…I won’t lie folks, I was hurtin’ too, but I didn’t wanna
mention it. Anyway, cab + train + bus +
walk + shuttle = hotel…all in the course of 5 hours. In a no Lucozade situation, this is quite the
feat.
We
rested up and headed out on the town in Dublin…nice place…what’s up rain…and
Gabe. We hop into La Pizza for
dinner…sucked La Dick, it was awful.
Whatever, we took pictures with the Kramer statue look-a-like, the
Stiffy thing (Ireland, your monument is really a giant metal toothpick…sorry
but that’s super lame…explains a lot).
Post dinner, we headed to the Temple Bar area. Pretty cool, but honestly, it’s no Cork. The bar scene was a bunch of tourists, not
super friendly, and the beer cost more…horsesh*t if you ask me…nobody asked me
though. After 2 drinks we called it a
night, searched for a frickin hour for the bus, went back and crashed…and my
shaver worked…see ya Bear Grylls beard.
In
Devere fashion, Aaron rolls out of bed and asks, “Why didn’t anyone wake me up
for the test today…haha.” Back-story,
Aaron was prepared to take test #2. Jay
and I were fully aware that this test would surely not interrupt morning, and
apparently Aaron became the 3rd member of the plan…ride together,
die together, bad boys for life as we like to say. More like we just didn’t care at this
point. The ironic part of it all is that
we were woken up by the noise of all the other students returning to the apartment
and rejoicing the completion of the course…o how innocent of them, I had this
celebration last Thursday.
Anyways,
we powdered up and headed off to the students luncheon with Heavy D (Damien),
Mary (Lit. teacher I never mentioned since I never attended her class), Robert
the Boss, Liam Mumbler, and the rest of the rat-pack. It was one of those receptions where nobody
officially tells you to start eating, but all the food is already out…and
everyone kind of waits for a queue, but none is given. But who am I kidding; Zeke-a-Leak enters and
locks eyes with the sandwich tray…and in the words of Cork’s favorite Queen
song, “Don’t stop me now.” Within six
seconds, Zeke had downed the first sandwich and was On To The Next One by Jay-Z
(Aaron, see what I did there). So
naturally, we all dug in, Zeke broke the ice.
After
scouring for all the red-meat sandwiches to absorb the final portion of alcohol
in my stomach, we probably consumed about 20 as a wolf-pack…Jay was still
feelin’ a little sleepy/groggy/drunk and headed back to bed. On behalf of the Devere Scholars, Aaron and I
personally thanked Damien and Mary for their time and providing such a robust
educational experience. Funny thing
here, Damien had a big smile on his face and took back all accusations from day
1…he clearly was unaware we all had ditched test #2 three hours earlier. To top it off, Mary applauded our addition to
the classroom…Mary, I never attended more than 1 of your lectures, and I know
you don’t have me confused for #2, that would just be rude. I’m not about to stop you though…especially
since you said you were giving good reports about us to Fr. Cahalan. Just smile and nod.
What
made my day though was a wolf-pack photo with Robert. As if standing with a statue of Ireland’s hero,
we proudly smiled and put an arm around our man…and hey Damien, Robert didn’t
get mad, reason #8 he is cooler than you.
Anyways, we left the Hogwarts palace and Aaron and I toured around
campus taking photos. While it was
tempting to walk across the forbidden lawn, we resisted…UCC, when I come back
in the fall, I am crossing it…watch your back.
And we also resisted floating down the Lee River behind campus; our
inner Huck Finn was itching for an adventure.
We
then walked back to the apartment…and Aaron disappeared for 3 hours…Kate, you
have to warn us when you steal a wolf for this long. Anyways, this gave me 3 hours of
no-shenanigan packing time, in which I packed my junk….as in my bags, perverts. Once pack, I began the feast for days. About 5lbs of pasta, 20 potatoes, 2 pounds of
red meat, 2 pounds of turkey, a pack of mushrooms, onion, and of course Jay,
spices. How about a potato casserole,
linguine noodles with meat and penne noodles with turkey…and some good sauce to
go with…I think we ended up feeding 15 people…Gabe asks, “Who has a
boner?” By the end of the night,
everyone raised their hand. So dinner
was good…Aaron liked it so much he may or may not have ended up tasting it
twice…fill in the blank…we drank A LOT. Let’s
make a drink list…for our own dignity, we will not list the amount of each, but
they are all greater than one. Shotgun
pint(s) of Carlsberg, shot(s) of Tesco Gin, shot(s) of Bushmills Whiskey,
shot(s) of apple schnapps, shot(s) of Captain Morgan, pint(s) of Murphy’s, Smirnoff
Ice(s), plus a full stomach of “so much” meat.
Travis, you bought me a shot at An Brog…I was drunk, but I
remember...you remember my toast, when I see you again, I owe you one. Dan says, “Let the icing begin.” 1 of 5 for Dan, to various members of the UCC
crew.
Since
An Brog was not doin live music, we wished Tony farewell, and headed off the
The Bailey. Dancing? Yes please. We boogie for a few hours, promptly are all
iced by Dan the Man…and Aaron disappears…Aaron, I won’t tell the story of you boke-ing
in the men’s room. We resisted leaving
The Bailey, as it was a sad departure, but we made a pit-stop at the BK Lounge
and made a final walk back to campus.
Folks, this was sad…apparently I did have a really good time because I
realized I truly didn’t want to be leaving.
It
was 3:30, Liz and Kelsie already bounced (after vowing that we would meet
again…hint…August 10 in Chicago), and another group was preparing for their 4am
cab departure. Bernice (says Ali) left 2
bottles of 6 buck chuck, and Josh was all over it like his first Christmas…its
ok, he had just woken up from blacking out and not even making it out on the
town tonight. In the goodie bag left by
Bernice and Co., I found an umbrella, tin foil, and a full sack of sugar. First, Josh gets a foil hat from Signs. Next, a yellow umbrella...cute Josh. To top it off, I felt Josh could use a nice
flower for his outfit…or should I say flour…see what I did there. Let the antiquing begin…folks, antiquing is
covering a sleeping individual in flour, making them perfectly encased in
white…this was with a twist though, Josh was awake…and totally ok with it. But I turned my back for 1 second, and the
tables turned. Diane and I became
antiquing victims immediately…and Josh even chased us around the premises,
spreading pounds of flour everywhere.
Security didn’t seem pleased for some reason, go figure…something about
being civil.
Whatever,
civil people would have internet and hot water too, so consider it even. To top it off, Josh enacted his best Def
Leppard impression by pouring some sugar on me (me being Diane). A shit-show indeed Josh, job well done. O what’s up sunrise, bed at 6am.
In
celebration of my 1 week retirement from class, I slept in until noon
today. I really shouldn’t spoil myself
so much but this was a note-worthy point in my life. Liam, fat sweaty dude, Joyce, Yates…I am
doing fine without you, but thanks for the concern. As usual, we moseyed over to the computer lab
to update our fan clubs on facebook…Aaron wants to get weird today…Jay and I
are down. Like the lat 2 Thursdays, we
intended to do some essays today…but were unable to focus because of 4 loud-ass
Irish douchers in the computer lab…and then they said, “Jabroni.” Aha ha ha ha
haaa…this guy is too much.
Wait,
the deadline for the essay is moved to Sunday…lets bounce. We go back to the apartment and cook a grand
feast once again…we have about 20 pounds of potatoes and two days to eat them
all…o boy. Potato casserole, boom…8 potatoes…fried
potatoes…5 more. Doug, yes, the potato
famine is over…that was a long time ago.
After
the potato feast, we donned our best Liam outfits, basically showing as much
chest as possible while keeping at least on button attached. Sorry Liam, we looked way better doing
it. While walking the streets, we passed
the London Brigade. We joined forced and
began our quest for the death star…rather any Thursday night hot-spot. We were warned that An Brog was infested with
a bad metal band…we passed and went onto the Catwalk, Dan’s cougar haven. Sorry boys, nobody here other than 2 crazy
Irishmen. Two tequila shots and were
out…off to Old Oak. Last week, no bueno
at Old Oak, this week, lots of bueno. I
am not a math major but I like to consider myself highly proficient in the
field of mathematics. I have a 20 Euro
note. I order a 4 Euro drink. I pay with said 20 Euro note, and receive
back a 10 Euro note, two 5 Euro notes, and a Euro coin. After some calculations, I believe I have
gained 1 Euro…any errors? Seems like
Gollum wasn’t the only one giving me free shots this trips.
We
met 2 drunken Swiss dudes, English was not their thing, Swiss is not
ours…communication breakdown. Spilling
Irish cider hopefully is a compliment in the Swiss culture, or else dick move
on their part. Anyway, wouldn’t be a
night without some dancing...this time there are cameras on the dance floor,
recording a little more than just the dance…interesting angles camera man.
Call
me crazy, but tonight, I think we skipped the drunchies…we did not skip staying
up until late though…4:30, I am seeing a lot of you often.
I went to class yesterday, that
suffices for this week…sorry Yeats, you do not interest me…neither do you
Liam. Let’s be real here, I went to
Ireland to learn about Irish culture and such, how do you expect me to do this
when I am congested with class, reading, and studying. To me, this is ridiculous…I mean, this is a
good justification, right Damien? O, I forgot,
you’re no fun. Well, I woke up at
noonish, dropped by campus, only for the internet of course, and then headed
back to do laundry…I had 0 socks, and 1 pair of undies, even the Britain briefs
were dirty…musta been a crazy week.
Washer worked, but some jack-off opened the dryer door while I was not
in the room and my clothes did not dry at all…hang dry? Luckily it’s not humid and raining here 88%
of the time, so my clothes will dry quick…not.
Whatever,
were going to see a play tonight…at the Gougan Barra outdoor theater or
something like that. Honestly, I was not
too excited to sit in the barf-bus for 2 hours, but once we arrived, it was
worth the drive. The restaurant and
theater sat along a beautiful lake with towering mountains around it, centered
by a block chapel. Dinner was fancy…I
could tell because they put little fruit things on my plate for decoration…in
all honesty, why does a little red piece of fruit make my plate cost twice as
much, you tell me. Needless to say, it
was tasty…and most everyone shared…but not all…you know who you are.
One
thing I have learned here, with all the tea and coffee they serve, is you can’t
drink that sh*t fast…same goes for dark beer, but that’s a whole new
story. Mary Breen, you are a saint, but
you can’t be rushin’ me to finish hot tea…this upset me. It didn’t actually, but I bet Gabe was
angered…Zeke for that matter too.
Whatever, we walked into the outdoor theater that was inside…I mean, I
guess the theater was outside, making it an outdoor theater? Let me know if you figure it out, but I am
positive that it was indoors. Let me
preface this with the play title, The
Last Gaelic Chieftan, which is about a Gaelic general who had his entire
army destroyed but kept on truckin’.
Like the fort in Kinsale, he didn’t really win any battles though, and
he killed his horses to make a boat, and the boat fell off a waterfall with 85
men in it…sounds like a great chieftain.
And one more thing…it’s a one man show…about an entire army of
soldiers…felt like the performance in the Big
Lebowski. I slept through the first
half, may or may not have drooled on myself, and eagerly walked outside for
intermission…to be bitten by midgets. No
people, not little people, bugs called midgets, come on now.
Second
half of the play was cool…well at least less boring. Alone, the actor re-enacted a battle scene…and
to top it off wielded a sword in slow motion…apparently he cut a guy’s head
off, but I couldn’t tell, one man shows don’t handle death of a character
well. All in all, the play was ok; most
said bad, few said good. Sorry Aiden
O’Dooley, maybe next time. On the way
back, we entertained ourselves…minds out of the gutters folks. It was only midnight when we got back…of
course we’re goin’ out.
What’s
up An Brog again…hello Irish girls, I have a lot of trouble understanding
you. You seem nice, but I’ll stick with
the American accent. Dance floor is
open…when in Rome. The bar closed at
2am…so what else to do, back to the kebab joint…this time wearing pants to
avoid the short-haters. From here, we
walked to St. Fin Barres cathedral, pretty sweet at night. When I got back to the room, Amelia Bedilia
was over and had scoured our supply of drunchy pasta on the stove. Bedeeeelia, you’re breakin my heart…Pshhh
4:30, let’s make it 5:30…peace.
